Only Villains Do That

2.10 In Which the Dark Lord Tries Something He Saw in a Movie Once

Is that an attack? I shifted my feet in preparation, but despite Biribos exhortation to move, I didnt yet take a step. This seemed like a bad situation in which to run around in confusion.

No, theres no offensive element, he said impatiently. The spells called Locate, its one of those that varies a lot based on the strength of the Blessing of Magic. Its got some neat perks at a higher strength, but it looks like all she can do is point at her target. Which is plenty to find us, unless we book it!

Hang on. Below and in the near distance, the seven sorcerers had started moving. In moments theyd pass into the shelter of the surrounding buildings. I focused through the spyglass and brought fort the press of magic in my mind.

Slimeshot.

The theory I was testing was proved correct. The spell itself handled targeting automatically, and I now learned it adjusted for factors like distance, which meant that the slime I launched flew at an upward trajectory, arcing into the night sky before descending straight at the group of magic users below. Specifically at the woman who was casting Locate. Id been afraid the range might be too great, but evidently not.

Seriously? Biribo exclaimed. You with the slimes!

Not ideal ammunition, sure, I agreed as I watched the airborne slime descend, and also not my fucking idea, Virya, but given how far that things falling it should hit like aaw, come on!

One of the other sorcerers, a young-looking man with no coat and his sleeves rolled up despite the cool evening, had dramatically thrown his hand forward and a barrier of light flashed into place over the whole group. It looked like a subtly dome-shaped panel of greenish honeycomb, made of linked hexagonal segments, one of which flickered as the slime arced out of the night to splatter against it hard enough to send droplets spraying in all directions. Honestly, I was impressed hed even managed to see that coming. Impressed, and annoyed.

Well, thats that, said Biribo, so lets

Hang on. The group had stopped running to huddle behind the shield, which gave me an idea.

Slimeshot Slimeshot Slimeshot Slimeshot Slimeshot Slimeshot Slimeshot Slimeshot SlimeshotSlimeshotSlimeshotSlimeshot

I began chain-casting, holding the spell in the forefront of my consciousness and pushing at it steadily as my eyes flicked across the group, targeting each in a split second of attention. Slimes machine-gunned out of thin air, hurtling through the night with devastating accuracy and hammering at the shield of green light.

I had the pleasure of seeing the shield caster buckle under the onslaught; I couldnt make out his expression between the distance, the intervening shield, and the residue of slimes rapidly accumulating on it, but he physically took a knee, clutching at the arm he was holding out as if it were physically keeping the spell up. Interesting, was that how it worked for some sorcerers? I used hand gestures, too, but mostly for dramatic effect; the actual effort was all mental.

He said something to his companions before the shield shattered, causing them all to break ranks and disperse into the cover provided by the nearby walls and roofs. The man casting the shield I almost managed to hit, but unfortunately he knew his limits well enough to be on the move before the barrier collapsed. He got splattered with slime residue but I failed to land a direct hit on a moving target from that range, unsurprisingly.

Well, I hope that was fun for you, said Biribo in an acerbic tone.

A bit, but it was also instructive. Now I have a general sense of how much punishment that shield can take, and a way to make them break formation and scatter. Time well spent!

If you say so, he replied doubtfully. But regardless

Yeah, lets get outta here. I was already turning around, and now set off on another series of bounds across the rooftop and the open alleyway beyond. Keep your attention on them and let me know if they draw closer, Ill disperse em again. All we need to do is get to the walls. Even if the gatehouse guards havent been told to let me through, I can persuade or bribe my way into the exterior fortification. Lady Grays thugs wont dare actually assault the walls, not when shes trying to do damage control.

Each gate, I had learned through examination when passing through and chitchat with the guards, had two gatehouses: a small exterior one used to impound people or property entering the city illicitly, and a larger interior barracks for the guards themselves. They werent connected internally, meaning that anyone besieging the city would have to actually bring down the gates; there was no conveniently penetrable side door. Still, there would be guards posted in the exterior gatehouse overnight, able to communicate with those above who controlled the doors in case of an emergency.

And all I had to do was get there. The wide arc Id taken to reposition myself for a good vantage over Grays ambush site had drawn me farther out from the walls themselves, and specifically even further from the southern gate, which was still the closest. That movement had made sense at the time, but now I had cause to regret it.

Almost immediately I had even more.

Shit, weve got problems, boss.

New problems, or are you just making conversation?

That group is gaining on us, boss. Fast! Never mind getting to the walls, theyll be on us within another minute at this rate!

What? Bullshit! How? Granted, hopping along the rooftops wouldnt be as quick as a straight run through the streets, but there were no straight runs through the Gutters except along the four major highway routes that quartered the city. It was a warren down there, and even having to hop over alleys and navigate sloping roofs, I had a more direct line to the gates than my pursuers. In fact, Id been expecting them to lose time when they stopped to climb up to my level.

Several of em are casting magic, theyre still far enough I cant tell details, but there are lots of spells that can influence a whole group. Probably party-wide stamina and speed buffs, boss. This is why fighting a whole group of sorcerers is a headache; once they start enhancing and supporting each other they can come up with some really creative shit.

Well, this wasnt going at all to plan. So, just another Tuesday on Dount.

Okay, I puffed, thinking rapidly. With all the running and jumping Id been doing recently, I was feeling the effects. Not that I was on the verge of collapse or anything, but I couldnt draw this out too much. Get me to a position where Ive got a vantage over an open area theyll have to pass through.

Got it! This way!

He pulled ahead of me, veering to the left, and I followed. Moving this way was liberating, despite the tense circumstances; the Surestep Boots meant I barely had to pay attention to where I put my feet. I practically glided over sloping shingled rooftops, intervening chimneys and gables, and vaulted across gaps between buildings as lightly as a cat. The only real barrier to my speed was my own flagging stamina. As long as I could figure out a way to end this before they caught up or my legs gave out

Up ahead, the roof with the blue shingles! You can see right down that street, boss; theyll be coming along it in seconds.

Good work!

I bounded across the last gap, one of the widest Id jumped yet, but I was also descending a story. Hitting the shingles in a roll, I let my momentum carry me in an angled slide, turning just as I reached the lip of the roof.

Just in time to see my pack of pursuers round a corner. They were moving crazy fast, so much so they looked blurred. Never mind the speed, it was incredible they could move like that around corners without losing their footing. Magic really was cheating.

And I was pretty good at cheating, myself.

This time I didnt play around; they were moving too quickly to be feasible targets, anyway.

Immolate, Immolate, Immolate!

That broke their formation, the three in the lead skidding along the pavement with their own momentum as they crumpled into screaming fireballs. Apparently one of those had been sustaining the speed effect, since they all slowed abruptly.

Then the paler one in the black coat cut in the local aristocratic style shouted something I couldnt make out from this range, and the flames around my three victims winked out, leaving them gasping on the ground.

What the hell?!

Oh, fuck, Biribo agreed.

How didnever mind!

Slimeshot! As luck would have it, the shield caster hadnt been one of those Id Immolated. He either saw it coming again or knew to expect it, and my incoming missile splattered against the wall of light. Picking him out visually by the dramatic gesture with which hed cast the spell, I tried again.

Immolate!

The shield winked out and he went down in a column of fire, which was snuffed a half-second later. The first three were already limping to their feet. Theyd suffered seconds rather than the minute or two the spell usually took, but being incinerated from the inside out was something nobody could just walk off immediately.

Details were vague from this distance, but they didnt even look burned, which pissed me off. If they had a spell to snuff out Immolate, shouldnt it leave them actually immolated in a state from before the healing magic kicked in? But nope, no visible effects save the trauma of horrific pain. Fucking bullshit, this game was rigged.

It was the guy in the black coat; he still had one hand outstretched. I zeroed in on him.

Immolate.

Nothing. It wasnt quite like trying to cast it on an unacceptable target, like Lady Gray with her stupid spell-blocking artifact; I could feel the magic activate, but its actual physical effects didnt emerge.

Oh, son of a bitch, that guys casting Null, Biribo hissed. Boss! As long as hes got that up, they cant use magic either! Hit him with a slime!

Right! Slimeshot!

The distance was enough to give them warning; the Null guy proved a bit too slow on the uptake, but one of his companions tackled him aside as the slime ripped through the space where hed been, grazing the second man across the back and sending them crashing to the ground in a spin.

Again, the group had scattered, including those whod been burning seconds before. I guess life in a Gutters gang made a person pretty tough. Even the one Id winged with a slime hit the ground in a roll, immediately grabbing the Null caster and shoving him into the nearest alley.

But with his concentration broken, Null was down, which meant I could do this:

Immolate! I shouted aloud, just for the sheer satisfaction.

I didnt get much in the way of that, as the guy burst into flames and just as quickly winked out as the spell was Nulled immediately. I caught a last glimpse of his legs awkwardly kicking as he stumbled into the alley after his companion.

Okay, what the fuck is going on? I demanded, turning and sprinting away across the rooftop. Oof, my legs were sore; it took me a few seconds longer than normal to get my speed up. I began to have the sinking feeling that I wasnt actually winning this one.

We got big problems, boss, Biribo said, zooming around me in agitated circles. Remember I told you Heal almost had to have been put there by Virya because its such a rare and powerful spell? Well, Null is another one like that. Its the ultimate anti-magic spell, the absolute apex of whats a pretty obscure school of magic to begin with. Counterspells arent common and you kinda gotta specialize into em, ordinarily. That guy was way too young to have acquired it the normal way, and anyway somebody who can cast Null has no business faffing around a backwater like Gwyllthean.

Sanora, I hissed without slowing. Motherfucker, of all the times for her to add her finger to the scales! As much as I suspected Virya had been subtly helping me, it was stupid of me to forget she wasnt the only one playing this game, and that neither of them played fair.

Maybe, said Biribo. I dunno, boss. I mean, yeah, when something that powerful and out of place pops up too close to either Champion, I smell shenanigans, but Sanora cheating has a certain look to it and this isnt that. She likes to work institutionally, through her established religious organizations or powerful members of em. I thought for sure if Sanora was gonna cheat, shed send Rhydion after us. Putting a spell like that in the hands of some bandit Well, that seems more likely to bite Yoshi on the ass than you.

I shook my head even as I leaped across another rooftop. Dammit, I could feel myself slowing

All she had to do was put it on Dount somewhere. I left Lady Gray unsupervised for a whole week, and highly motivated to scrape up something to defeat a powerful sorcerer. Of course she found it before Yoshi did. Grays probably not even on Sanoras radar but right now shes a hundred times the player Yoshi is on his best day.

Good to know that the goddesses werent infallible even when they were subverting their own rules, but that was a matter for later. First I had to get out of this mess more or less intact, a possibility which was looking more remote by the second.

Oh, fuckboss, more trouble!

Seriously?! Honestly I wasnt even surprised at this point, just pissed off.

We got incoming from the other direction, over the rooftops! Dozens of em in groups, heading at us. No Blessed But theyre armed! Crossbows, swords

I skidded to a stop right at the apex of a tall sloped roof. Shit. Shit. Lady Gray left the ambush to coordinate a counter-response Biribo, could she be in contact with those sorcerers?

Two-way communication would mean the kind of artifacts even she hasnt got, but there are a number of spells they could be using to send her messages.

Great, and now I was in the middle of a pincer move. As usual, right the fuck where she wanted me. Why had I ever thought counter-ambushing her ambush was a good idea?

I know you didnt ask, boss, but these are just gangsters. If its them or the sorcerers, well, youve already tossed her street soldiers like a salad.

I turned and almost began to descend the slope of the roof toward the walls, then abruptly stopped, only the preternatural balance of the Surestep Boots saving me from taking a neck-breaking tumble. no. Shes there. Shes the only one who could get them all moving so fast. Biribo, I need an exit! Get me out from between them and away from both!

He didnt bother to argue. This way, boss! Were gonna have to swing wide and backtrack, shes sent the gangs at us in a wide formation thats arcing forward at the edges. Its an enclosing maneuver, move fast!

I did so, following his darting form over the roofs and through the darkness, no longer sparing the breath to explain myself. Fortunately he didnt ask me to, probably well aware of my train of thought.

I was willing to tackle Lady Gray one on one. Wed already done that and I proved close to a match, and the stalemate favored me; even tired, I was younger, better armed and more versatile, especially on uncertain terrain where my artifact boots could prove the deciding advantage. But this wouldnt be one on one, itd be me against her and a shit ton of her street soldiers with crossbows. I could probably handle themmassed enemies were easy to take down with Windbursts and Slimeshots. All she had to do, though, was herd me into a position with enemies on all sides and stall me long enough for her sorcerers to catch up. As soon as that guy started casting Null, half my advantages disappeared. Then she only needed to land one lucky hit, and I wouldnt even be able to Heal it.

In hindsight, I could see how badly Id blundered by thinking an aggressive action by me would be needed to tip the scales. My plan with Auldmaer and Norovena was still working, and would set forces in motion that would land on her first thing tomorrow. I shouldve just waited and let the wheels of justice grind. But I hadnt trusted that to work without taking direct action to help, and now here I was with my neck stretched across the chopping block.

Well, live and learn. Hopefully.

Biribo led me on a frustrating course that gradually gave most of the ground Id just gained toward the wallsfrustrating but necessary. I couldnt sense my pursuers the way he could, but even from his terse description I had a mental image of what they were doing. The gangs sent across the roofs in a bowed formation designed to shift me toward the center and prevent me from doing what I was currently trying to do. Having a familiar to guide my steps was the decisive advantage that would (with any luck) enable me to evade that. As a secondary perk, my artifact boots meant I could move faster across the roofs than any of them, and didnt even need to pay attention to where my feet were. Which meant that once I could see my pursuers I could attack them more easily than they could attack me.

That became relevant a lot sooner than I would have liked.

There he is! Thats him!

Courteous of them to give away their position by yelling; I was therefore looking in that direction when two crossbow bolts came whizzing at me. Neither connected, having been hastily fired in the dark by men trying to run along a sloped rooftop at the same time. Unlike them, I didnt have to slow or concentrate to retaliate.

Slimeshot, Slimeshot!

All I could see of them were dark shapes silhouetted against the distant city walls, but at that range that was enough. I sent two hurtling into space on the other side of that roof, one apparently too winded to scream, and the three other shapes which had been raising weapons instead ducked back down behind the roof in panic. Not exactly disciplined soldiers, these.

That marked the point at which they were closing in enough that I could see them, though. There was another group Shit, dead ahead. And one beyond that. Theyd succeeded in encircling me.

Biribo?

Casters are catching up, boss! We lost em for a minute but theyve figured out which direction youre going!

The rank and file were moving in small squads, rather than a single contiguous net; there was a tempting gap between the two ahead of me. I dissuaded both groups with Slimeshots and made for the opening.

Then changed course.

Gray was here, somewhere, I knew it. She would make a beeline for me as soon as she figured out my position. The only question was whether shed hang back until her trap closed around me, or intervene to push me into it. If it looked like I was about to slip the net, thatd settle that dilemma for her. Which meant that one way or another, I was about to encounter the boss lady herself.

There wasnt a lot I could do to maximize my chances here, so Id have to do what little I could. For the sake of unpredictability, I didnt go for the obvious hole in her net, where she would probably be moving to intercept me already. Instead, I adjusted my trajectory and charged right at one of the gangs.

Not the one on the end, either. After all, the net ceased for all practical purposed to be a net once I was beyond it; then it was just a bunch more people chasing me, people I had to worry about a lot less than those sorcerers.

Bolts whizzed at me as I rushed the group of shadows on the next roof over; one grazed my leg, snagging my pants but not hitting flesh. Trusting in my Amulet of Final Luck and ability to Heal, I ignored the incoming fire, instead peppering the entire rooftop with a spray of rapid Slimeshots. Two of my opponents I was able to nail directly, while the rest were taking cover behind chimneys and gables. As I approached the gap, I added a couple of Windbursts to rock their position, followed by more Slimeshots.

It was a brute force approach, but that was where I did my best work, like it or not. I had to hammer the entire area these guys occupied because I simply couldnt spare the attention to snipe them properly; my focus had to be on what was beyond. Gray couldnt let me get past themthis was where shed strike.

I flashed a broad Light Beam as I vaulted off the edge of my current roof, sailing across the street toward the one still holding a couple of enemies. They reared back, yelling and cursing at their loss of night vision. I was already spouting Sparksprays nonstop before I landed, trying to reveal the invisible opponent I knew had to be there.

Windburst!shouted a voice that was not mine, and suddenly my clean jump across the street two stories down turned sideways.

The gust of air ripped me off course and sent me sailing straight down the street. For as much street as there was, anyway; this one forked mere meters ahead, with a narrow structure positioned between the two branches. Narrow as it was, I was hurtling straight for it, because apparently my luck is shit when my evil patron goddess isnt tweaking the game in my favor.

Windburst!

Thanks to what little mitigating fortune I had, I was at least flying head on, so I could see it coming and cast. My own spell impacted the shabby akorshil planks of the wall less than a second before I hit, reducing my velocity and also shaking some of them loose.

Because, as it turned out, this particular building was one of those half-ruined ones that were common in this part of the Gutters. I smashed through what remained of the second-story wall, and immediately discovered that the second story no longer had a floor. Fortunately my trajectory sent me plummeting into the gap beyond at a steep enough angle that I wasnt decapitated by the broken planks poking out from the edge of the hole; less fortunately, that sent me tumbling down to smash into a pile of I dont know what it was a pile of, but it broke with a loud clatter and wasnt what Id call cushiony.

So that was what being on the other end of a Windburst felt like. Yeah, I did not care for that.

Boss! Boss, you gotta get up! We have to move!

I blinked. Everything was hazy Shock, I realized, my senses coming slowly back into focus. Then pain.

Heal! I cast the magic before I could begin making sense of exactly what was broken. There came a few more sharp stabs of pain as several bones were wrenched back into their proper place, but then I was once more in one piece and relatively alert. Still pretty tired from all this running, but apparently Heal did remedy the symptoms of shock.

That was good to know. This probably wouldnt be the last time I was in a position to appreciate it. Maybe not even tonight.

I rolled to my feet and spun in a circle, getting my bearings.

Fire Lance! somebody shouted, and the wall in front of me shuddered, hot orange sparks flashing through the gaps in its dilapidated akorshil boards.

Ah, so that was the direction from which Id come. I turned and bolted in the opposite direction, down a hallway. There was a second shout of Fire Lance! from behind me, followed by a much louder crash as apparently they managed to burst through the wall entirely.

Oh, sure, the random-ass bandit got an awesome fire-throwing spell. What did I get? Slimes.

I hated this planet.

Crawns fled as I stomped into what used to be a kitchen, currently full of skittering and the stench of decay. Like many Dountol kitchens, this one had an exterior door, which I burst through. I didnt have time to throw off pursuit by closing it, but that didnt really matter; theyd figure out where Id gone immediately, and also the whole thing flew off its hinges when my shoulder hit it.

I was on a narrow stretch of sidewalk fronting one of the canals. The sound of rapidly flowing water was almost as overpowering as the stink of it. Most of the canals flowed fairly gently, but the bigger ones had a significant current, carrying away all the refuse people dumped in them in lieu of an actual sewer system. No wonder this area was abandoned; I wouldnt want to live next to this, either.

There was a bridge arcing over the canal just a few meters to my right, offering a tempting path out of this box. Too tempting? I could try to bolt to the sides to throw off pursuit, but Id be terribly exposed either way.

Biribo?

Theyre closing in, boss! Its clear on the other side!

That decided it. Already hearing multiple bodies crashing through the abandoned house behind me, I sprinted for the bridge, turning onto it in seconds.

As soon as I crested the apex of its arch, a figure popped into existence right at its other end, blocking my path. And aiming a crossbow at me.

Even in the dimness, I could see the glint of Lady Grays teeth as I closed in on her. Grinning, or snarling? Didnt matter. Not even slowing, I raised my hand as the bolt whipped right at my face.

It grazed my temple and nicked my ear. She was undoubtedly too good with that thing to miss such a shot from this close. Bless this artifact amulet.

Windburst! She tried to dodge aside, but the spell sent her tumbling.

Null!

Fuck. I spun, turning to aim a Slimeshot back the way Id come.

Nothing happened. Of course.

Shed be back on her feet in seconds. I couldnt afford to hesitate, and even without spells I wasnt helpless. Drawing my rapier, I pivoted and charged back at the caster.

I could see him, that middle-born guy in the nice coat, holding out his hand and grimacing in concentration as he maintained the counterspell on me.

I could also see his reinforcements. They werent coming through the house, but down the walkway along the canal: two of his sorcerer buddies and what looked like a whole squad of crossbow-wielding thugs.

Windburst! shouted the woman in the scarf who could cast Locate, aiming at me. She was too far away still for the spell to hit me with its full impact, but that did mean she was far enough behind the guy casting Null for it to activate. And once cast, it wasnt magic that hit me, but just wind.

Distant as it was, I was sent careening backward, pinwheeling my arms and barely managing not to lose my footing thanks to my artifact boots. My retreat was halted by the painful impact of the bridges railing against my lower back.

I half-turned to chance a peek at the waters below. Was this an escape route?

Nope, I decided. Aside from smelling like shit and decay, it was a drop of a good four meters into actual rapids. This part of the Gutters was so decrepit and Gwylltheans government so inept that the canal had been allowed to be full of all manner of trash. Broken boats, wagons, and who knew what else half-clogged it, forcing the rushing water into a violent torrent as it had to course through the narrow path left through the obstructions.

Nobody could swim in that. Id probably bash my brains out on the first chunk of debris, and even if not Casting Heal while actively drowning just sounded like a creative way to waterboard myself.

Well, Seiji, Lady Gray drawled, this sure has been fun.

Fuck. Could I get past her? With the rapier I was as good a combatant as a person could be

She was staring at me with a manic expression that didnt bode well. One hand was on her sheathed invisibility dagger; the other held a murderous-looking scimitar, which I didnt doubt she knew how to use. Looking into her eyes, I could tell she knew. She knew how my schemes had undone her. Killing me was likely to be her last act as the fearsome crime lord of Gwyllthean. I was facing a cornered animal.

And, naturally, pushing past her was my least terrible option.

I now had three spellcasters and at least twenty crossbowmen aiming at me, a second squad having arrived on the rooftop. Without my magic, there was no way of punching through that. And I already knew my Rapier of Mastery meant at best a stalemate against Lady Gray. In this situation, a stalemate would last just seconds until the rest of them hit me from behind.

The rock and the hard place.

EVERYBODY FREEZE! I bellowed, raising the sword to press its edge against my own throat. Nobody moves, or the foreigner gets it!

Absolute stillness descended as everyone gaped at me.

boss? Biribo asked hesitantly.

Look, I dont know. It wasnt even a conscious decision, certainly not any kind of plan. Theres no accounting for what springs to the forefront of a persons brain when its running on pure adrenaline and has zero good options.

Weapons down! I swear Ill do it! I shouted. Drop em or Ill gut this bastard right now!

The silence of pure incredulity continued to reign, and I found myself suddenly appreciating the phrase just stupid enough to work. For one blessed moment, sheer disbelief and confusion held everyone still, and I felt an unwise glimmer of hope that just maybe I could parlay this brief distraction into a way out of this mess.

What in the f Lady Gray cut herself off, turning her wide-eyed stare of perplexed fury from me to all her lackeys, who were currently just standing there in uncertainty. Why is no one shooting him?!

So they all shot me.