Only Villains Do That

1.42 In Which the Dark Lord Hunts for More Bears to Poke

Captain Norovena wasnt best pleased to return to his guard post and find Id turned it into happy hour, but that was what he got for not being there when I came calling. Surely a guard captain was more of a desk job; they wouldnt ask him to go out patrolling, right? I didnt know where he was and didnt ask, instead taking the opportunity to ingratiate myself a bit with the local Kingsguard. I noticed that one of them had left a guitar, and that was all it took.

Obviously, I was much better with it than whichever yokel owned the thing (it wasnt a particularly good specimen of a guitar, either), which of course meant I couldve livened up everyones day on pure talent, but I did not hesitate to hit them with the Blessing of Wisdom, now that I had a shiny new power to exploit. I lulled the off-duty guards in the barracks effortlessly into a stupor with a rendition of Uptown Girls; this meant Id performed more Billy Joel in the last week than probably the preceding five years, but I had to choose my weapons carefully. People were apparently very suggestible in a hypnotic state, and I wanted these guys relaxed and happy, not riled up the way rock thats more to my taste would get anybody if it was pumped directly into their subconscious. Besides, I figured the lyrics would be relatable. In a caste society like this, drooling after women out of their league was undoubtedly a popular pastime among lowborn men. Plus it was useful for me to practice and feel out the limits of this ability, especially since I was reluctant to use it on my own followers just to see what it did.

I woke them up by segueing immediately into having them teach me some Fflyr folk songs before anybody could ask too many questions about what had just happened. Reel em in, set the hook. It seemed to work, anyway, and in no time I had the whole barracks stomping on the floor and singing alongin multi-part harmony with overlapping rhythms. I really needed to spend more time learning Fflyr music, since it was one of the few nice things this culture had to offer. For now, I got to make myself popular among the guards for a day, at least until the Captain came back.

Looking around at the laughing, singing, cheerful lads, I wondered which of them wouldve gone after Flaethwyn, Pashilyn, and Amell in the jail had I not intervened. Then I kept grinning and dazzled them with a complicated series of arpeggios before launching into the chorus. I had enough enemies, and I needed the guards on my side.

For now.

Captain Norovena sent everyone scrambling about their business with an incredulous bellow upon his arrival, and rounded on the source of this disturbance as soon as his men were in motion. Recognizing me, he immediately mellowed considerably. The man was too well-bred to look openly greedy, but he was instantly awfully polite toward a known source of generous bribes (both to him, and I suspected he may have checked notes with the various gate guards whod taken my coin to withhold comment when I brought Gutter Rats inside the walls).

Moments later, I was politely ushered into his office, where Norovena seated himself behind his desk, and I in front of it. Aster retreated to the corner and leaned against the wall unobtrusively. She had gotten pretty good at the menacing bodyguard loom, but that was not the impression I wanted to make here.

Im terribly sorry if I distracted your men, Captain, I said innocently. Naturally I assumed that any presently hanging about the barracks must not be on duty.

You show an admirable faith in the decency of human nature, Norovena said wryly, not seeming to notice Asters strangled cough. In any case, no need to worry. Those louts are responsible for showing up for their own patrol shifts on time. No fault of yours, my lord. It is of course a pleasure to see you again, regardless.

How kind, I smiled. Ive not happened across Yoshi and his little friends since I left them in your care; how did that turn out?

In fact, your judgment proved impeccable, Lord Seiji. We gave them a starkbut respectfuldose of reality overnight, and had not a peep of trouble out of the lot ever since. Theyve settled into Gwyllthean, which Ill admit I had mixed feelings about at first, but the group has been staying at the Kings Guild headquarters and diligently carrying out minor quests while they investigate this goblin issue that brought them. He twisted his mouth slightly in a wry grimace. The two lowborn were very well-behaved; that pair know their place, and in fact they were only in trouble thanks to Lady Flaethwyns antics. One always feels bad for lowborn dragged into the aftereffects of their betters poor judgment, but such is life. Lady Pashilyn and the foreign boy have been positively respectful toward my men ever since. By the reports I get, Lady Flaethwyncontinues to be a challenging personality, but she has refrained from causing any further public disturbances. Thus far.

So he was getting reports on them? If Clan Aelthwynn was that interested in an excuse to throw Flaethwyn in a cell and hadnt found one, she really must be on what passed for her best behavior. I felt a twinge of worry for Yoshi, who was clearly bumbling into high-level politics he didnt begin to understand, but I put it aside. Surely the Hero would muddle through, and I had far more urgent fish to fry.

Yes, I thought that was about how it would go down, but its gratifying to be validated. Thank you for the update, Captain. In more recent business, I assume youre aware of thekerfuffle that happened in Cat Alley the other night?

Ah, yes, that Healer fellow, he said, frowning. Ive been hearing reports on him for a while, but he only ever seemed to be caught in the Gutters blue light district, or coming and going from it, and the Kingsguard tries not to be an overt presence there. The madams do a decent job of keeping order around their business, and sending in troops just riles up the local gangs. Of course, then my own superiors caught wind of the rumors theres a Blessed with exceptionally powerful healing magic running about and ordered me to investigate. But then, no sooner do I get the word than this guy goes on some kind of rampage. Nothing can ever be simple, can it?

I witnessed that a bit more closely than Id like, I said, affecting a solemn expression. Best to keep my story consistent; I never knew who Rhydion might talk to. Id been looking for the Healer for similar reasons myself, and managed to home in on Yrshith Street right after he blasted a trail of destruction through half of it. Im not too proud to admit I decided to leave the man alone after that.

I strongly approve of that decision, Lord Seiji, Norovena said gravely. A Blessed that powerful and unpredictable is nothing for civilians to mess about with. If he cant behave, the Kings Guild will deal with him, and so much the better if the rest of us just stay out of it.

His eyes cut to Aster and then back to mine, just long enough to make certain I saw it. Norovenas expression remained unchanged and opaque, as did mine, but suddenlyI wondered. This could be dicier than Id planned; I might have to spread around more coin than Id come here intending to. Well, that was what coin was for.

I only lingered long enough to chat with a few witnesses and put together the broad strokes of what happened, I said. Apparently Well, I dont much care about that guy and his fixation on prostitutes, but I assume youre aware of this Lady Gray character?

Norovenas gaze sharpened. Lord Seiji. I cannot recommend strongly enough that you stay as far away from that womans business as possible.

Yeah, no kidding. For once I didnt even have to dissemble.

Believe me, I dont want to be anywhere near somebody like that, I said fervently. I would very much prefer that Lady Gray never become aware that I exist.

Good, he said firmly, nodding.

It just goes to show how unconscionably disrespected Gwylltheans guardsmen are, I went on in a more casual tone, lounging in my chair and bringing out a couple of gold halos to idly toy with. I realize Im an outsider here, Captain, and its not my place to criticize, so I hope you will not take offense. Where Im from, we give our police the resources and support they need to take care of people like that before they become a problem. I am frankly appalled that your superiors are so blas about this.

Obviously, it is not my station to critique or even speculate about the motivations of my betters, the Captain said blandly. His eyes didnt flick toward the coins, but only because he was a self-possessed man, not a grasping animal; I knew hed noticed, and read the subtext. The Convocation teaches us that these things are in the Goddesss hands. Her elect lead as is their right according to Her will, and even should they briefly falter, Her divine plan will see justice prevail in the end.

It didnt go so far that he couldve been called out for it, but by the end of that little speech his tone had gone distinctly dry. Obviously, Captain Norovena knew better than anyone exactly how often justice prevailed in Fflyr Dlemathlys.

I will say, he continued after a pause to clear his throat, the most I am able to do to curtail Lady Grays schemes is that Im pulling my recruits from the same pool ofahem, talentas her gangsters. Every man issued a uniform and a sword is one not running extortion rackets in the Gutters. And doesnt that just reveal everything about the situation in this city.

Yes, I can well understand why you cant afford to send your lads down there in a direct confrontation. Perish the thought; bloodshed and demolishing half the city would be the only certain outcome.

I do so appreciate your understanding nature, Lord Seiji, he said with a bland smile.

I have to confess something to you, Captain, I said, affecting an abashed little smile. While I like to think of myself as a civic-minded person, I only became aware enough of Lady Gray to ask questions about her because her business has cost me money.

Slowly, he raised an eyebrow. Oh?

This was the necessary cover: a believable motivation for Lord Seiji to take an interest in this. I required a story that Norovena would believe easily enough that he felt no need to pry into my affairs any further. With that and enough money spread around, hopefully hed decide not to risk alienating the goose that laid the golden eggs.

Nothing illegal, dont worry, I said with a wink. I arrived here on Dount with some assets of my own, of course, but I like to think in the long term, and my little nest egg wont support me in the style to which I am accustomed over the span of years. Thus, Ive been investing modest amounts in some ventures by the local trading companies, feeling out the local business climate and making some extra coin as the opportunity allows. It seems trade and merchant exchanges are the primary source of flowing coin on this island.

That, and khora farming, he said with a wry smile, and sheep. With all due respect, Lord Seiji, you dont seem the agricultural type.

I choose to take that as a compliment, Captain! But yes, Im afraid I received a rude awakening in some of thehidden costs of doing business in Gwyllthean.

He grimaced. Im very sorry to hear that, my lord. Usually, such losses are inflicted by the gangs out in the countryside, which Im glad to say is outside my purview. Its always embarrassing when the criminal element in my own city dares to importune such an upstanding member of society.

Oh, believe me, Captain, I dont blame you at all. I can clearly see how well youre doing with the shamefully limited resources granted you. That anyone walks down the street un-mugged in this city is a testament to your ingenuity. That might be laying it on a little thick; I decided to rein it in and proceed straight to my pitch. Casually, I set the two halos down on the edge of his desk, an idle motion as if just discarding the toy I was fidgeting with. And that got me thinking. Ill be the first to admit that youve not heard from me until now because Im not one to lean into whats none of my business. However, it seems to me that if I were to invest some capital into ensuring our hard-working city guardians were able to clean up the streets a bit more efficiently, well, thats just an investment in the future and my own prosperity, isnt it?

I follow your line of thinking, Lord Seiji, Norovena said noncommittally, still not glancing at the coins. However, I am not sure I have anything to offer that would be worth your investment this time. There isembarrassingly little I can do about Lady Gray directly, and while Im ashamed to admit it, the truth is that its not a question ofresources.

As I said, Captain, Im not proposing an armed march on her headquarters or anything.

He nodded once. Im curious, then, what you do have in mind, my lord.

Now, do cut in if Im wrong on any point; Im only going off rumors, and Im sure you are better-informed, Captain. From what I hear, however, Lady Gray is currently embroiled in some kind of turf war with several of the countryside bandit gangs, and now has this maniac Healer cutting her men down left and right. Would I be right in suggesting that her position right now is as weak as it has ever been?

Still not weak enough that Id consider opening up a third front worth the risk, he said doubtfully.

We are of one mind, Captain Norovena. But with all these more overt threats holding her attention, it seems to me that there are suddenly opportunities for motivated men such as ourselves tocarefully apply further pressure to her organization, in a way that wont lead right back to us. If it doesnt pan out, well, Ill be out some financial donations, and your men will have wasted a bit of time on busywork while making your own organization run a bit more smoothly. But if were clever and a little bit luckywe might just incidentally create an opportunity for one of Lady Grays more aggressive enemies to get her out of our hair for good.

Norovena tilted his head to one side, visibly mulling for a long moment. But then a canny little smile spread across his features, and I knew I had him.

I do appreciate the way your mind works, Lord Seiji. Lets talk more about these careful pressures.

As Id said to Minifrit, these were all half-baked schemes, not worth relying on individually but hopefully amounting something in aggregate. Of the ploys Id launched so far, I had the most hope for Maugros angle. I thought my meeting with Norovena had gone well, but there was always the risk of him pocketing my money and then sitting on his thumbs. That would honestly be the standard move for a corrupt city guard in his position; I was gambling on him being ambitious enough to want to parlay a success against the local crime boss into career advancement and connections with the nobility. Norovena was a man dissatisfied with his genetically appointed lot in life and hungry for more.

As for Rhydion, pinning my hopes on the conscience of a man who deliberately blinkered his conscience so he didnt have to listen to it wasa coin toss, at best.

None of this was going to even come close to landing a deathblow on Grays organization, but I hoped if I could keep up pressure on her from all sides, her dwindling resources and increasing desperation would lead to an opening through which I could strike.

And indeed, after spending over an hour talking over plans with Captain Norovena, I had already caught her in her first big mistake: while she had the basic intelligence to plant her fingers in the local Kingsguard, Lady Gray heavily preferred blackmail to bribery. Her men on the inside were there because they were afraid of her and the various levers she had over them, not for the chance to enrich themselves. I could well see why she favored this approach, since after all I was feeling the uncertainty of having no direct control over the Kingsguard, relying as I did on charm and generosity. The more direct control afforded by more aggressive methods was a double-edged sword, however. Everyone through whom Lady Gray exerted her influence on the guards hated her guts, and with her attention fixed elsewhere, there was a lot the likes of Norovena could do to begin plucking her fingers out of his pie.

What it came down to was that he wasnt shy about dealing with things quietly, out of uniform, once he had a wealthy patron whose coin could help smooth things over. Some of his corrupted men, he reckoned, could be prevailed upon to turn double agent, and the rest Well, Gwyllthean was a rough town; people went missing. Even city guards. And given Lady Grays other problems right now, she was more likely to believe Lord Olumnach had started getting savvier and more aggressive than that the Kingsguard had suddenly grown a spine.

And then there were the other measures Id suggested; once cleaned of people whod report on the Kingsguards activities to Lady Gray, there was a lot the city police could do to make her operations more difficult without getting directly confrontational.

Hopefully. I was definitely not pinning all my hopes on Norovena any more than on Rhydion, but if he did even half of what he could, this should be worth it.

Our next stop took us to a dilapidated house on the outskirts of the Guttersthe inhabited parts, not the crumbling and abandoned structures around the periphery used by various criminal and other sketchy elements. This neighborhood was broken down but not uninhabited; I saw movement behind some of the windows as Aster and I passed quickly through. No one was visible outdoors, though, which was ominous at this time of day. Without doubt the fact that Aster was clearly Blessed and carrying a big-ass sword was the only reason nobody tried to mug us.

As previously directed by Minifrit, we slipped around to the rear of this structure, in a cramped alley with the cracked rear wall of a warehouse behind us, and I rapped twice on the kitchen door. Hopefully we had the right place; this house didnt look like anyone had been home for a long time, but then, that was the point.

There were enough cracks between the aged akorshil planks of the door that a person on the other side could peek out and see us, though it was dark enough inside that I could not see in. Minifrit had said that my appearance would suffice to get it open. As the seconds stretched out into a minute, then two, I started to wonder if shed called that right. She had said not to knock again

The door opened a crack and a mans face appeared, one I recognized. Are you lostmy lord? he asked in an almost aggressively neutral tone.

Are you Thwyn? I inquired pleasantly. He wasnt; he was Olyc, one of the other bouncers employed at the Alley Cat.

Whos asking?

I reached into my coat and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. Im an acquaintance of Miss Minifrit. She sent a message.

His eyes fixed on the letter for a moment, then back to my face, and after another short pause, the door opened wide enough for me to slip through and Olyc stood back in a mute invitation. I stepped inside with Aster right on my heels.

In the dingy kitchen, Thwyn was also present, idly toying with his cudgel. There was no sign of the third bouncer, Raelther, but that might mean anything. Perhaps he was out getting food, or perhaps hiding just behind the interior door, ready to charge in if I proved hostile.

Olyc shut the door, then accepted Minifrits letter with a polite Thank you, milord. That was faintly amusing under the circumstances, but not surprising. Minifrit trained all her employees to her exacting standards and did not tolerate discourtesy. Brutal violence where it was needed, yes, but not rudeness.

He read the letter quickly, then handed it to Thwyn to do the same. Of course I knew what it said, having read it myself at Minifrits invitation. I was not blind to the possibility that it included some kind of code, but after some thought I had written that off as paranoia. I was trying to train myself to be careful and watchful, but jumping at every shadow would only hamper my movements if I succumbed. It was a difficult balance to find.

So, the harvest festival in almost two weeks, Olyc said while Thwyn read. The missive had identified me as someone who could be trusted and with whom they should be open, and apparently Minifrits signature on that was enough for him. Its a good plan, my lord; Miss Minifrit doesnt make bad plans. I dont think its going to work this time, though. Things in Cat Alley have already gotten ugly. I dont think Lady Gray means to leave us that long to act.

No, of course she didnt. God fucking dammit, I was getting tired of being outmaneuvered by that woman.

Right, I said with a sigh. Okay. How bad is it?