On Astral Tides: From Humble Freelancer To Astral Emperor

Side Twenty-One – Mori Eri

When I woke up, having fallen asleep talking to Aiko, who was excitedly inquiring about my experiences in this… Boundary, until the early hours of the morning, I found that Akio and Shaeula had returned. Asking them about their endeavours Shaeula assured me it had been a total victory and really profitable, but Akio… there was definitely something wrong. He seemed out-of-sorts, distracted. Still, when I asked him, he did explain, at least a little, not that I understood it.

Something about his worries about the goals of his benefactor… Still, the fact that he tried to explain honestly, it made me happy.

Packing our luggage, including a ton of souvenirs for our family and friends back home, we said goodbye to our suite, Aiko very sad at leaving behind our weekend of luxury. It brought a smile to my lips, seeing her acting so. Aiko was always cheerful, but this last week… it was like we were young again, back in Nishimorioka, every day together. And that ends soon, Akio and Shaeula will go back to Tokyo. But… I was not going to dwell on it. Things had changed. After all, we had… Blushing, I touched my stomach. Now Akio and I are one. And we won’t be apart for long… No, no dwelling on it. None… at all…

 

********

Next to me, Aiko was asleep, snoring gently. It has been very exciting, and we barely slept last night. I’ll leave her to it. Turning my gaze, Akio was also asleep, resting peacefully, looking so handsome I could just… Ugh, it’s embarrassing, but since… since we did that I’ve been more conscious of him than ever before. Still, since he had a lot to worry over, the sleep would do him good. Seeing my gaze, the last member of our party smiled at me, putting down the glass of alcohol she was drinking.

“Are you perhaps bored, Eri?” Shaeula asked. “The novelty of this great metal bird-bird has worn off, it can be rather boring, and alas, you can not-not drink like me. Perhaps some conversation would be in order?”

Once more I was struck by how simply gorgeous she was. But more than that… She’s so confident in herself, so sure of her worth. She’s a princess for sure. And she loves Akio too. Can I… can I complete with that?

Shaeula sighed, interrupting my internal monologue. “I fear you are thinking something worthless again-again, are you not Eri? Really, the three of you are so easy to read, so similar. It amuses me indeed-indeed, yet it is also rather sad. We should talk, just the two of us, while Akio and Aiko can not hear us-us.”

“I see…” was all I could say.

“So, a question.” Shaeula continued, either not sensing, or more likely just ignoring, my hesitation. “Why did you make love to Akio? Wait, perhaps that is the wrong way-way of asking. I believe I mean, why so quickly? After all, you have been together for but-but a week now. I am no expert on mortals, but it seems rather rapid, no?”

You are asking me that? But you… you encouraged me? Feeling a surge of indignation, I answered, my tone harsher than I intended, my inner thoughts leaking out. “You told me I should give back twice what I received! Why are you complaining about it now? Are you jealous that Akio chose me, not you?” Even as I said it, I knew it was an unworthy thing to say. Still, Shaeula had been pushing all weekend, wanting Akio for herself, so my nerves were raw…

Shaeula snorted, taking another long sip of her drink. Shutting her eyes for a second she remained motionless, before letting out a sigh. Her eyes then opened, her amber gaze meeting mine, so… so pure.

“Am I jealous of you, Eri? Why yes, of course I am, though not-not in the way you are of me.” Her gaze was boring into mine, and I knew if I looked away, I would somehow have lost something, so steeling myself I met her head-on.

“I do not-not need to monopolise Akio, we have discussed this. I would be satisfied were he to consider me in the same light he looks at you-you. But that is not what I asked. I do believe you should give back twice what you receive, for that is the way of a proud female. I also applaud your resolve, to give your everything to Akio. However… I worry that perhaps you have mistaken your own reasons? I had believed that you chose this to overcome your fears, yet your gaze looks to me-me unsure yet again. If that is true, what more-more can you do to bind yourself in his heart?”

“What do you mean? I just wanted to find something I could do for Akio, and I don’t regret it!” I kept my voice down so as not to wake them, but it was hard. Her question was somehow… really annoying. “I’m not scared, I’m happy… I know he won’t leave me behind… he won’t… We’ll be together forever!” my voice was hoarse, and … I believe it, I do… but…

“I know-know, you seemed very happy afterwards. But… I can not-not help but think there is more to it. I do not claim to understand mortals…” she snorted self-deprecatingly, “…but having known Akio for some time now and discovering you and Aiko are also rather similar, I believe there is more to this.”

More to it…? I swallowed nervously, my mouth suddenly feeling dry. “I… don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh you do. I am no fool, Eri. You seek a bond that is so deep it can not-not be broken. And the deepest bond you know, it is bearing a child, is it not-not? You believe that if you do this, then Akio can never leave you. Perhaps you think you trust him, and yourself, but-but… fears are not so easily conquered, are they?”

Her gaze was stern, but to me it looked accusatory, as though she was looking deep within me. Under the pressure I faltered, biting at my lip. “I… I… look, you wouldn’t understand.” I retorted, feeling disgust at how I was treating her. She’s a rival, but… without her pushing me, her help… I’d have let happiness slip through my grasp again. I shouldn’t be so aggressive but… My thoughts were a churning mess, as they had been ever since Akio came back to Nishimorioka. “I’ve known Akio forever, so it isn’t sudden. I just… just wanted to make it clear to him… and myself… that I intend to spend my life with him, no matter what.”

“I see, so I was right-right and you still have not overcome your biggest worry then?” Shaeula let my barbed rejoinder slide off her, and the concern wounded me again. “Poor Eri. Though much of the fault lies with Akio too, I fear-fear, since it seems you and Aiko have learned your worst traits from him.”

Huh, what do you mean? I’m not like Akio, I’m not brave or…

“Let me ask you this.” She continued relentlessly. “When Akio was leaving for Tokyo, did you ask him not to go? When you started to miss him and he did not-not contact you as much as you wished, did you talk to him and ask him to keep you in his thoughts? When he returned on his infrequent visits, did you ever say that you missed him, that you wished-wished he would spare you more of his attention?”

I swallowed  then, feeling sick. To reassure myself my hands went to my lips, where we had kissed, and my belly, where perhaps even now… My hands froze at the look of triumph that crossed her face.

“No… no I never asked. It wasn’t my place to…” I whispered. “Aiko didn’t either, really. She still talked to him occasionally, but…”

“Indeed-indeed.” Shaeula nodded. “I know she talked about coming to Tokyo to live with him, but from what I have gathered, up until we returned to Nishimorioka but a week ago, that was a mere fantasy, unlikely to ever happen. It was but-but a mask for her feelings. Yes, Akio has much to answer for, raising you two into his mirrors.”

Mirrors, I don’t get it…

“Let me ask you another question. Why do you think that until you, Akio has never had a girlfriend? He is rather handsome, is he not-not, and I know he has female friends that he still talks to, such as the so-called ‘white princess’.” She scoffed at the name. “At this University place, he had a circle of friends, some of whom were females. I believe he could have seen some success. Tell me, what was Akio like back at your village?”

“He… well… most of his time he spent with us, though at school he did have some people he hung out with. He was… normal, I guess?” Akio never had problems socialising, he was way more confident than I, if not so bright as Aiko. I am the only shy one, scared of everyone else and my own shadows…

“Aha, I believe I understand now!” Shaeula said in triumph. As the drink trolley passed she got more alcohol, as well as a bottle of iced tea for me, which I took gratefully.

“What… what did you get?” I asked, feeling a little curious, but frustrated as well. What does she know of us? It’s only been a week…

“You were thinking something foolish like-like ‘I am the only coward’ or ‘Akio and Aiko are better than me’ were you not? I sympathise, I do, for I too… well, we shall talk about me momentarily. But I am not wrong, am I?”

Taking a drink of the tea to hide my flushed face of shame I nodded. “Well, it’s true, isn’t it?”

“Hardly, after all, did you not boldly offer your purity, seducing the man you love, heedless, nay, even wishing for the risk of birthing new life?” At her words I blushed harder. It was embarrassing, and we weren’t alone here. Luckily the noise of the plane masked us from being overheard.

“Yes but, that’s…” She’s right. I had resolved to love myself more, to trust in Akio, and I should have been secure, now I’m his girlfriend. Akio is no liar, he’s always looked out for me, he won’t abandon me, but even so, I got scared, Shaeula is just… she’s someone I can’t beat… if he was to choose her… still, I did want to give him my love, that part is no lie, but I felt that if I gave him my virginity, if I was pregnant, he wouldn’t turn to Shaeula. Gods, I’m so horrible…

Tears started to form then, diamond drops that leaked from my eyes. As I began to re-tread old ground, all my self-loathing and anger coming out, Shaeula reached over, wiping away my tears and patting my head, shocking me.

“Foolish Eri, still so fragile. Yet for little reason. Look, you feel yourself not as elegant or beautiful as I-I, do you not? Not as smart or as brave as Akio, not-not as friendly and cheerful as Aiko… what foolishness. From where I sit, you are beautiful indeed, and with a heart so very pure. Yet pure things are fragile. Were I to ask Aiko…” she looked at the sleeping figure, who was drooling, her face set in a broad smile even as she slumbered.

She’d be embarrassed if she knew.

“…Well, you heard her back at her home, when we had that ‘girl’s night’, did you not? Aiko feels that you are far more beautiful than her, that she is stupid in comparison, that all she has is her energy, which Akio has now surpassed…”

“That isn’t true!” I snapped, defending her by reflex. “Aiko is more beautiful than I, and everyone loves her, unlike me! She isn’t stupid either, it’s just Akio is a tough act to follow as her brother, and…” seeing Shaeula looking at me in triumph I trailed off.

“So if I asked Aiko the same about you-you, how would she answer?”

At that my head dropped, conceding the point, even as my heart railed against it.

“So you see… should you ask Akio about himself… well, he views himself very differently to how you two see him-him.” She took another drink, smacking her lips in pleasure. “He knows he is not brave, merely reckless when it comes to those he needs to protect. He also knows that you overvalue his intelligence indeed.”

As I was about to protest she stopped me. “Make no mistake, Akio is no fool, and has a certain level of low cunning-cunning, yet he is not this genius you and Aiko believe him to be. No, you both only see twisted reflections of your own fears in him, feeding your own inadequacies. This I know, for I too am similar. Since you were inseparable as children, your formative years, it is only to be expected I fear.”

“That can’t be right.” I protested. “Akio, he’s…”

“A mortal, with all the fears and weaknesses that entails. Perhaps living up to the pressure of always being perfect for you two-two, despite knowing he was not as you viewed him… well, it all comes back to this dog, I think. That failure was the catalyst.”

“But why? Akio saved us from the dog!” I protested, annoyance giving way to rage inside me that she would dare call the most important moment of my life a failure. Although, now I have a couple more moments that surpass it…

“But you fainted, did you not? And afterwards, were you not even more timid and fearful, for quite some time-time?”

Her question caught me off guard. “Of course I was. I was a little girl, it was obviously frightening. Even now, I don’t like dogs barking at me. What could he have expected? He was only a young boy himself. Who else could have done better? If anyone says they could, I’ll show you a liar!” by the end my voice was raised, causing Aiko to stir in her sleep, mumbling.

“Yes. Just like you are a very beautiful girl, who is intelligent and kind, if a little too shy for comfort-comfort.” Shaeula responded, and I froze.

… I see. It isn’t about truth, it’s about feelings.

“I suspect there must be more similar events, to have convinced Akio that he was unable to protect you and Aiko. Really, he can be such a fool-fool.” Shaeula smiled wryly, reminiscing. In that moment my heart stopped, as she was truly something mystical, a real fairy, in the modern sense. “He should have killed me when he bested me-me, after all, had the situations been reversed, in my arrogance I would not have accepted surrender. He spared that fool Grulgor too. He is far too naïve and kind for the role he has been thrust into, yet still he battles on-on. Though against those that threatened me in vulgar ways…” she grinned cruelly. “… those he did not leave unscathed. Your male is quite staunch in such matters. Any threat to you, he will annihilate. Yet it all stems from weakness, no?”

“I see. Is it… is it really so simple? There was a time, some years after the dog, when a horrible disease swept the village. Many children were sick. One even died…” I remembered, it had been a red fever, some viral variant of measles or some such, and many had come down with it. “I had been terrified I or Aiko was going to die. Funny, even then I assumed that Akio wouldn’t be hurt. After all… he was a hero to me. I remember him comforting me as I cried, for weeks. There were other incidents too, saving me from boys at school, or when some girls picked on me. I always was saved, yet I always cried after… is it my fault? Did I pressure him too much?”

“I do not-not think it is fair to blame yourself, Eri. Akio was simply a boy, with all the conflicting emotions and weaknesses that entailed. He clearly loved you and Aiko, and wanted to protect you, but he did not believe that he was strong enough to do so, hence your tears. You did not believe you were good enough to win his heart, despite clearly wanting to-to, and Aiko, she believed that she was not as good as either of you-you. So foolish, yet so natural, that you three all saw your own weaknesses reflected in each other, yet while only seeing the best of your fellows-fellows. Hence why Akio left. And why neither of you tried to stop him-him.”

“How… how can you understand us so much?” I asked again, feeling deep inside she was right. I still didn’t feel worthy of Akio, and despite my bravado about loving him, I was still terrified he would see through me, to my ugly petty insides, and leave me behind again, for someone better, like Shaeula.

“Ahh, poor Eri.” She reached over and rubbed my head as I eared up again. Stretching over the sleeping Aiko she pulled me into a tight hug. “When abandoned once, you will always fear abandonment a second time. But fear not-not, Akio is starting to conquer his own insecurities, and can finally see you as someone not just to protect, but to love as well-well. Your reckless, yet cute actions have finally convinced him you are a woman, not the crying sister-like child he has to protect from the bad world despite not having the power to do so. He does have the power now. And perhaps he hesitantly accepted you at first in a misguided attempt to return to the way things were, to protect you like you were a child once more, your actions have shattered this misconception. When he looks at you now, the love I see in his gaze is quite different indeed-indeed. I can not-not ask you to abandon all your fears, but trust in me. Only death will separate you now, and I will be standing by his side, fending off any such misfortunes. So no more recklessness, understand? If you want to… make love when it is safe for your network, then by all means do so, yet for the right reasons, not as a bind to tie him, or a light in the night, to reassure the frightened child fearing abandonment within you, understand?”

She’s… just so nice, and it makes me feel bad for getting jealous, but… I’ve never been good sorting my feelings… “I don’t get… why you seem to care so much about Aiko and me. I mean, I’m thankful, but I… I don’t understand. Maybe I’m cold-hearted, but I couldn’t do the same…”

“Foolish Eri. Let me tell you a little tale of my own, and perhaps you will understand.” She cleared her throat after another drink. “Where to begin…” the light in her eyes dimmed, as she started thinking back to her own past.

“I was born the second daughter of my noble father, Prince Shaetanao of the Seelie Court. I had three brothers and a sister, all born many years prior-prior. They were all birthed from true Seelie lines, yet me… my mother was not a Fae, but a noble spirit from the land you call home, Japan-Japan. As I was young, I did not understand what this meant, though even then others looked down-down on me and my birth, finding me not worthy of following our bloodlines.” She shrugged. “My own siblings cared for me, in their overbearing ways-ways. They are all powerful and noble, my brothers far surpassing me in strength and arts, my sister in beauty.”

“Nonsense, you are so beautiful, that can’t be right…” I protested despite myself, only to fall silent at her rejoinder.

“As are you, Eri, as much as Aiko or I. Akio thinks so too, does he not? What would your answer be?”

“I’m sorry.” I found myself apologising. Yes, I knew I was pretty, as Shaeula knew of herself, yet I always felt inferior still… Not about truth, feelings… Once more I came close to a realisation.

“Well, no matter. Your problems are deep-rooted, and we will have long to resolve them. Now, my mother, she left, returning to her own home. It was named something strange… though I was but a child, and do not remember what she called it-it. Alas that was the final time I saw my mother.”

That’s sad… She may be a magical being, but she has feelings just like us… and losing a mother is cruel. Even if she still lives, to never see her again…

“My father was kind, as were my perfect siblings, though their excellence made me bitter-bitter. I did not have the great strength they were born with, and was quite fragile. All I had as my own was my pride in my noble bloodline, yet others, such as Duke Vulpatrius and Duke Formor, as well as even some of our own weaselkin…” at that she grimaced, perhaps remembering bitter memories of discrimination. “… they called me a bastard, and worse. But the more I was accused, the further I dug deep, until all I had was my status as a princess-princess. I was such a fool, rather similar to you, was it not? All you had to cling to was Akio and your budding love for him, and it too was the core you built yourself around. It is not healthy-healthy.” She warned. “At least it was not-not. Now you can change that, as can I.”

Continuing her tale she flagged down more drinks. Her voice grew hoarse as she continued, and I thought I could see the glimmer of tears in her amber eyes, much as the tears I had shed earlier.

“I continued to grow, and tried to match my siblings, yet I was without talent, it seems-seems, sad though that is to admit. Eventually their compassion for me became poison, and in retaliation I grew rebellious and arrogant. A petty revenge on the world where all were more skilled and better than I-I. But this led to my downfall. I wanted to prove to my Father, my siblings, all the doubters… yet mostly, to myself-myself… that I could be better than them. I was perhaps too bold, too careless in my claims, and my Father was manoeuvred into sending me out to the Boundary with little support, my siblings also unable to aid me-me. Father managed to contact my absent mother, and she spared me a handful of her own kin, yet she too was limited in her response, though I know not why-why.”

Bitterness was in her laugh as she shrugged depreciatingly. “Perhaps she too was bound by politics, perhaps that is why she left me-me, rather than growing tired of all the scorn and slander. I would like to believe so-so.”

Rapt, I couldn’t tear myself away from her tale, shocked at how much our foolishness aligned. If we had both been more honest, with ourselves and others… I could have told Akio how I felt, begged him to stay or at least wait for me, and Shaeula… she could have remained safe… we are both fools, in our own ways…

“Father and my siblings must have been worried. After all, the Boundary is far from safe. Still, I had some guards, of course-course, so had trouble not befallen me, I could have managed to make some small achievements then return in due time-time. But of course, the aim of those who had manoeuvred my father into sending me out had other plans. Why they want me dead, simply because I am a half-blood, or for other reasons, I can not-not say, yet it matters little. I would have been slain, my Father and siblings never knowing why, until Akio… he defeated me, and I cried for surrender, not-not expecting he would actually spare me. And you know the rest. So, what do you think of my tale? Am I not-not another distorted mirror of the three of you?”

As she drank to soothe her throat hoarse from talking, I considered everything I knew and we had discussed, trying to filter out my own inadequacies. “You… you channelled your own insecurities into pride and arrogance. I did, into cowardice, fear and a selfish love. Aiko into feeling like she could never match her brother or me, or even those around her, hiding in the shadow of Akio, not growing as her own person, being just a perfect sister she thought he wished for. And Akio… he felt that he couldn’t protect those he loved, so… he didn’t want to love. Right?”

Shaeula clapped her hands together gently. “Indeed. He feigns the act of an oblivious male, pretending he does not see-see when people yearn for him, yet he knows it well. Instead, he laughs it off. Perhaps he even saw the love you kept hidden from him, hence why he moved far distant. He has convinced himself it was all for your sakes-sakes, but deep down he knows it is his own cowardice. As I said, he is not brave, merely reckless.”

“Then, I’m forcing him, just repeating the same mistakes as bef…” I began, but Shaeula cut me off with a hiss of annoyance.

“You were doing so well-well. Do not sink back into the mire of your fears.” She answered. “The lesson here is obvious. We all received the opposite of what we wanted, did we not? Such irony indeed-indeed.”

The opposite? Oh, I see. When Shaeula explains it, it’s obvious. She really is a wise fairy like the stories, dispensing wisdom… though, no, I guess that isn’t fair. She was just as lost as any of us…

“I didn’t get the love I wanted, or the end to the constant fear eating at me. You… you just wanted respect and love, but instead you got sent away to die. Aiko wanted to feel she mattered, that her brother was proud of her, but even as he said he was, she couldn’t believe in him as she didn’t believe in herself. And Akio… he loved us, but felt unworthy, so ended up without us, or anyone else intimate in his life. When you lay it out like that, we all sound so pathetic.” I was downhearted, but now that I thought about it, Shaeula was right. Akio, Aiko and I were all similar, even down to our bad points. Shaeula too. And that made me weirdly happy.

“Yes, but things can-can change.” Shaeula smiled. “Akio now knows that if he does not protect those he loves, who will-will? And he no longer looks away from your feelings, so you can have the love you wished for. Aiko has taken the first steps in understanding she has value-value, and I… I will show my siblings, Father, all of the Seelie court that scorned me, that-that I am not devalued by my birth, nor am I weak.” She smiled at me again, and my eyes were matching the tears in hers. “There is no shame in having fears, doubts, insecurities. There is no dishonour in being weak, afraid. But it is wrong to not try to rise-rise above them. And we can, hand-in-hand with each other. After all, we all love the same male, do we not-not? Surely that makes us true sisters.”

Ugh, here is the problem. I… Akio is mine. I love him, and want him to love me back. He does, I know it, and after taking with Shaeula I do feel better, I understand us all a bit more I think, but why… why does she have to spoil it like this?

“Look, Shaeula, I think of you as a friend, I don’t have many but you are definitely one of them, you… you don’t scare me, and I know you’ve helped me, even today. I can even see where I went wrong, and some of the anxiety I feel about Akio has faded, but still… a man can only have one woman, and that’s me! I don’t know how it is in your fairy-world, since you said your father has many wives and concubines, but here… that’s just how it is!”

“Oh really? But Aiko loves him too and he loves Aiko. He loves his parents as well, does that mean he has any less love for you-you? I do not quite understand.”

“Well, that’s clearly different. We discussed this before!” I snapped, heating up. Beside me Aiko stirred again. I can’t wake her… getting a grip on my annoyance I continued. “Love of family and romantic love is different, all right?”

“Is it? I see-see.” Shaeula nodded. “But… even here in the Material, males and females often have more than one lover do they not?”

“That’s cheating, and it’s a really bad thing to do!” I protested. “Cheaters are scum, and Akio wouldn’t hurt me like that. Thanks to our talk, I can see I don’t need to bind him, I can just trust him. He hasn’t done anything with you despite your efforts, has he? I’m… I admit I feel sorry for you, that you can’t have the one you love, but…” I have to look out for me, I can be selfish, I’m allowed this much.

“Well, even here there are some cultures that have multiple wives, are there not? I checked on this internet, it-it is a wonderful way to find information.”

“True, but… that isn’t Japan. In Japan…” I began, but Shaeula stopped me.

“I see. This is unproductive. Let us try this-this. Tell me a story of a happy time with you and Akio, and I shall do the same.”

A happy time? “I don’t understand?”

“Just go ahead-ahead.” Shaeula insisted. “You will see the point of it soon, I promise.”

A happy time? There were so many. Still, if I had to think of one.. oh, yes…

“I’ve always liked the night sky. When I was a child, I often looked up at the stars, imagining what they were like, whether people like me lived there. I hoped that they didn’t, so I could have them all to myself, just me, Aiko and Akio.” God, so embarrassing. Shaeula was just nodding in interest, beckoning me to continue.

“One night, I must have been seven or eight at the time, just a young girl, I decided I wanted to see the stars up on the mountains, where the view would be better. It was such a clear, cold winter night, my breath frosty in the air. Still, my parents said I was too young to go up the mountains. There are animals out there, and it can be pretty dangerous at night. I was sad and I remember crying. I used to cry a lot, sorry Akio.” No more tears unless they are ones of joy. Now Shaeula has shown me how I put pressure on him, despite not needing to, I can learn to be better…

“Anyway…” my throat was parched too, so I finished my iced tea. “I went crying round to Akio, so he of course took me where I wanted to go, Aiko tagging along. He dressed us up all warmly, then packed a late-night picnic, then took us to the mountain. It was cold, yet warm at the same time, and the sky was so beautiful. The stars were like a river of diamonds, shining. Of course… we got caught. My parents were pretty mad, and scolded Akio, but that was nothing compared to his father. Oshiro-san can be very scary when mad… oh no…” I paused, horrified, a thought that hadn’t crossed my mind leaking in. “When he finds out what Akio and I did, he’s going to kill us!”

“Hardly!” Shaeula scoffed at my panic. “It is always the male that is punished in these circumstances. You will receive his sympathy. Akio though…” she laughed. “… yes, he will no doubt receive quite-quite the retribution. But…” she looked at me so kindly. “… he will not regret it. After all, I believe he rather enjoyed the experience with you. I must admit I am curious myself-myself…”

“Enough!” I protested, face on fire.

“Anyway, I shall now tell you my tale, of when Akio and I were drinking with his neighbour, Karen. It was most-most fun…”

I listened to her tale, trying not to feel bad that Akio was having fun with other women. It was just some drinks. Nothing happened…

“So, now I shall ask you…” Shaeula said, eyes serious. “… and be honest. If you remove Aiko from your story, or Karen from mine-mine, would it be less fun, less special?”

“Of course it wouldn’t be the same without Aiko.” I agreed. As I did so her grin broadened.

“Now if I were there on that mountain that night, watching the stars with you all-all, and you were with Karen and I, drinking merrily, would it not be more fun-fun?”

“It would, but…” I began.

“Well then, is that not the same-same?” she argued passionately. “I will be a sister you can trust, an ally, a friend, loving the same male, sharing everything. It takes nothing from you, in fact you shall find our love stronger than ever-ever.”

“But it doesn’t work like that. Love isn’t meant to be shared that way…” I stubbornly protested. “… Besides, spending time alone with the one you love, it’s special. There are… things… you can only do together.”

“I would say that is not entirely true.” Shaeula laughed. “Besides, do we not have a long life ahead of us-us? I will not steal from you, should you give me your blessing. After all, I shall be working with my master from now on, so our time together is decided, in any event.”

She’s convincing, but I know it isn’t supposed to be that way. It isn’t even my jealousy, it’s just…

“I am a Fae, my lifespan is not the same as you Mortals. We live long indeed, assuming no misfortune befalls us-us, and with master watching my back, I have no fears. I could-could allow you to have a life with Akio, and when you eventually depart from this world, I could have him for my own-own. But…” she looked at me, eyes deadly serious. “If you were I, would you make such a choice-choice?”

“But Akio won’t live that … wait, will he?” Can that mysterious world really extend his life, like she’s clearly implying?

“He will, should we succeed. Already his subtle bodies are changing, becoming more like a Fae. So if I were patient, I could have his love. Yet… am I such a monster? He loves you, Eri, and I would see you too stand at his side for a long life-life. So sparing some time for me and Akio… surely you can do this?”

Stop being so… so damn nice. I… I feel awful…

“It just isn’t right…” I protested, trying to hold on to my resolve. “I believe in faithfulness. What happens if you found another man who pleased you like Akio does. Would you want to love him too?”

“A fair question.” She replied, giving it serious consideration. “Many of the Fae have multiple lovers, in their long, almost endless lives-lives. Even the Queen herself has her paramours, such as the Scotsman. After all, near-eternity is long, loves can fade-fade…” her gaze hardened. “But not mine-mine. Akio, he is my master, my other half-half. I dearly love him, just as you do. Would you deny me the succour of love, feeling as you do? If I had been introduced to you as Akio’s woman, would you have given up?”

I would have… then. I would have died inside though. Now, knowing the true happiness of what it means to love Akio, to be loved… no, I couldn’t… even so, I don’t want to compromise…

“So if there was another man, a man who loved me, would you be happy if I asked Akio to share me with him? It’s no different, is it?” I put forth my argument triumphantly. Beside me Aiko rolled over, and for a moment I thought I had woken her, but she then sighed and settled back to her rest.

“Is there such a man? If you truly loved him and he loved you… I would understand. As for Akio… for males it is different, they are more-more possessive than females in general. My father is like that, he would defend his females to the death. Only my mother left him, and perhaps she now-now has a new male. I know not. It would pain him, I know for certain. Now you have joined your bodies, he sees you as his and he as yours-yours. But would he relent, allow you to love both? Perhaps. I have no wish to put this to the test, but his love for you is deep. If it was required to make you happy… still, your feelings are too strong for such, are they not-not?”

The thought of it makes me sick. I want Akio, I’ve only ever wanted Akio… but… would he allow me to betray him like that? I pictured his face, his kindness, the… the feeling of his warmth inside me. He would, though it’d break his heart, destroy him. Am… am I so small?

“You think too much Eri, as always, too bounded by the mundane life you have lived until now-now.” Shaeula said gently. “Were Akio just a normal male, then the life you seek is one I can applaud. However, he will be a legend, living a long life you could only have imagined in dreams before this-this. He will need many allies, many loves at his side. Rejoice that you are the first he loves-loves. I will never betray you, I will always give you your due, but I beg…” Shaeula bowed to me then. “… offer me the chance to love him at your side. I did not-not know I would ever find such love, especially with a mortal. Our lives will be filled-filled with happiness such as you can only imagine. After all, has this week not been one of joy for you?”

Don’t bow to me like that, it’s crushing my heart. I don’t know how you’ve wormed your way into my friendship, our lives in such a short time, but now you look so regal, so tragic and beautiful, and I feel my resolve faltering…

“What’s the land of the Fae like?” I asked suddenly, trying to sort out the tangle of my thoughts. A bit confused by the change of subject, Shaeula answered.

“You like the stars yes-yes? Well in the night of the Fae realm, there are no stars, just the moon, so big it covers much of the skies-skies. Yet the night is beautiful. On rare occasions the darkness is broken by a rain of shooting stars, and it is said those born under such are gifted with fortune and power-power. I had thought this but a myth, for I was born-born under such a starfall. Until now I had rued my lack of power and fortune, yet meeting Akio, and you, and Aiko, and many others… perhaps I was indeed born blessed.” Her smile was bright, and I fought the urge to look away.

“It sounds nice.” I answered at last. “I wish I could see it…” She loves Akio as much as I do… I’ve known him longer, but her experiences with him over this month… they are like I experienced with the frightening dog, just even more striking. No wonder she fell for him… I can’t hate her for it.

“You shall see it, for as you stand at Akio’s side, when I prove to all the Seelie Court I am worthy and take my place there, he shall be at my side-side. I respect your love and devotion, and I promise I shall never forsake Akio or you. But imagine the life we could… no the life we will lead. Every day full of struggle yes, yet so much joy.”

It's hard to argue against, but my heart aches, and the black feeling of jealousy, it’s swelling up inside me… I don’t like this at all.

“Wow, oh come on Eri, don’t get lost in your head. You don’t have to decide now, but at least think about it, okay?” Aiko suddenly said, opening her eyes, causing the words I was searching for to be lost.

Aiko turned to Shaeula and winked. “You know, hearing you talk like you did about us, a lot more makes sense to me. I don’t know if you are right about everything, about how my big bro feels, and whether we did put too much pressure on him with our expectations, but… I think you were right about me. I have always felt I wasn’t good enough, so I’ve always tried to be a sister that my bro would like, would want to always take care of. Not as smart as my bro, or as pretty as Eri… it’s so stupid. After all, I’m gorgeous.” She let out a short laugh. “I feel kind of bad mocking my bro all this time for being a virgin loser with no girlfriend if it was down to us that he avoids intimacy though. I guess it’s a good thing I can’t use that joke anymore, right?”

Oh no, how long as Aiko been awake? We were talking about things I don’t want anyone else hearing, my petty and ugly side…

“Oh, I’ve been awake a while.” Aiko said, interpreting my look of horror. “Don’t worry, it’s all been rather fascinating. I feel bad though. I don’t want you to feel like my big bro is cheating on you, no-one more deserves happiness and love than you, Eri, but hearing Shaeula talk… I feel really sorry for her. You do too don’t you, Eri? I was moved when she said that she could wait us out and have Akio when we were dead, but that she didn’t want to do that and would help you too. Wow, so magnanimous, to her rival in love! I think I almost fell for her myself then, she’s so kind. One thing though, I can’t believe I’m being left out again, wow, so cold. Where am I in your new long-life Faerie love-in?”

“I am not so kind and magnanimous as you think, Aiko.” Shaeula sighed honestly. “I only realised how I truly felt just before we visited your hometown, when I thought Akio was slain-slain by the Raven Knight. I was then sorting through my feelings and finally met you and Eri. Should she have not shown the will to deserve my-my master, I myself would have done everything to make him mine, though honestly…” she looked at Aiko and me, her expression strange. “… it might not have gone well. I think it had to be either you or Eri confessing, else it would not have helped resolve the issues that have plagued him ever since the dog, so long ago. As for being left out, perish the thought-thought. I am sure Akio can open his arms for you too, Aiko, for he has enough love to spare for all!”

“Eww, gross. Why do you keep shipping everyone with big bro, even those who are clearly inappropriate, like me! I love my bro, sure enough, but… ick. We have laws about that sort of thing!”

“What are laws in the face of love?” Shaeula snorted. “A male is measured by the calibre of the females he makes happy, while a female is measured by how-how she supports her male. Akio can love and make happy all of us, I believe. In all seriousness, you will not be left behind, Aiko. I shall train you, and you will grow stronger, and live longer, and see me take my place amidst the Seelie, Akio and Eri also by my side.”

“Damn, that’s a sexist view… still, I don’t entirely disagree. BUT no matter how much I love my big bro, no way, no how, to that! I do want to see you and Eri walking with my big bro though. Wow, sorry Eri, I guess in the end I’m a terrible best friend. It’s just… I think you could all be happy. I know it’s different for me, he’s my brother, so my love is different, but still… at least… think about it, okay?”

Aiko too? I feel a little betrayed… still, I was feeling other emotions too, blended into my jealousy and insecurity. I felt warmth, and hope, and confusion. Would it really be all right, would I still be happy, if I was to share?

“I can’t promise anything.” Eri said slowly. “All I can promise is… I’ll search my feelings. But in the end, I will never give up on Akio. I don’t even know myself entirely why I gave myself to Akio, but I do know I don’t and won’t regret it. I’m happy now, and I don’t want to jeopardise what I’ve gained after all this time, and I want to make Akio happy too. Twice what I receive. Three times, no, even more… if I helped make Akio sad in the past, even if I didn’t mean to, then I’ll overwrite those memories and fill them up with joy!”

“That’s nice and all, but you did say one thing earlier that was true I think you might have forgotten. Dad can be really scary when mad! Akio might not survive the fallout when he finds out you might be pregnant!”

I swallowed nervously, while Shaeula burst out laughing. Looking over to Akio, who was still sleeping peacefully, I tried to gather my thoughts. Just what is right and what is wrong? What will make Akio happy, while keeping my own newfound happiness? Can I accept Shaeula too? I just don’t know…