Kitsune in the Shadows

Chapter 48 – I Don’t Understand

The air around me quickly warmed back up, but still, I held my eyes closed. Even if I couldn’t feel Ovia between my arms anymore, I just wanted a little longer before I had to go back.

Please…

I…

…

I… Just…

“-just stay there!” It was Beni’s voice, followed by the sound of a door slamming shut.

…

It was impossible for me to deny that I was back in the temple any longer. I opened my eyes to find myself in a small room that I didn’t recognise. The walls were made from the same black stone as the rest of the temple, although, unlike the main room, there were no candles, leaving the room in complete darkness.

“You came back sooner than I expected…”

My head instantly spun around to face Beni. Due to the lack of light in the room, it was easy to make out a slight red glow coming from his eyes that I hadn’t noticed before. Once my eyes met him, he froze for a moment.

“Your eyes… Can you-?…” He shook his head before continuing, “Are you feeling a little better now?…”

Am I… feeling better?…

…

I… I guess…

I don’t… have to go back to the streets…

…

I… I can just stay here!

But… is that…

…

“I… think so…” I muttered.

“You think so… I guess that’s a little better than when you arrived here this morning…” He crouched down so his eyes were at the same level as mine, “Now… is there anything you want to talk about now?… I did say I would be ready and waiting for when you came back…”

…

“I… don’t know…”

“Hmm… Well… now that you’ve had some time to think since the last time I asked… what don’t you know?… Maybe if you tell me… I can help this time?”

There was something about Beni, the way Beni spoke, that just made me want to respond, but I still wasn’t sure what exactly to say. Even though I could feel that I had calmed down a bit, there was still too much going through my head.

…

I… I can stay here now…

…

I… I can talk to Beni about Ovia…

I can ask as many questions as I want…

I’m safe… I still have a roof over my head… I can still eat real food… I…

I…

…

But…

“I want… to go back…”

“And where do you want to go back to?” Beni immediately responded with another question, not giving me the time to recompose myself.

“To Ava. To Raynelle,” I didn’t have to think about it, the words just came out, “Back to that inn… back… back before I ran away… before I ruined it…”

“Please don’t cry… instead… why don’t you tell me why you want to go back?…”

Cry?

But I’m-

“… not crying…” I knew I wasn’t crying. I couldn’t be crying. My cheeks were still dry.

“There might not be any tears running down your face… But the look in your eyes… your limp tail… and folded ears… all those little signs tell me that you are crying… at least on the inside… I have some experience with kitsune after all…” He chuckled to himself, “You distracted me a little there… Now… can you tell me why you want to go back?”

Why… I want to go back?…

…

“I… just do…”

Beni didn’t respond and just kept looking at me as if he was telling me that it was still my turn to speak. So I just kept talking, saying whatever came to mind.

“I… I miss my bed… I miss Ava’s cooking… I miss… I miss Raynelle… I miss when she would give me her food even if she went hungry afterwards… when she would sleep on the floor next to me so I wasn’t alone… I miss Ava always trying to brush my tail… always talking to me, even if I didn’t respond…” There was a tightness in my chest as I struggled to get out the last few words, “I… I just… I don’t want to be left alone any more…”

Again, Beni didn’t say anything, but unlike last time, he reached out to put a hand on my shoulder, letting the chain from the shackle on his wrist drape down my arm. To my surprise, the chain wasn’t heavy at all. If it weren’t for the familiar chill coming from it, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it was there.

“It sounds like… you’ve figured it all out yourself… It just took a little push…” He got up off the floor and headed for the door, “Well, guess that means I should-”

“But…” I interrupted him, “I can’t go back…”

He froze once again, clearly taken aback.

“Why do you think that?…” He asked as he awkwardly turned around to face me.

“Because they… they wouldn’t want me back… I… I don’t know why… but they… they never did anything bad to me… I don’t know why, but they helped me…” What I was feeling at that moment wasn’t sadness anymore; it was… anger… anger directed solely towards myself, “Then I ran away! I left! I threw it all away! I… I did it… Why would they take someone like that back… It could just happen again… I… I just…”

“But… would it happen again?…”

“No!” I immediately responded, “I… I wouldn’t do it again… I… don’t want to be… I wouldn’t make that mistake again… I couldn’t…”

“Then I don’t see a problem…” He placed one hand on the door handle, “Does that mean if they let you go back with them… you would?”

“Yes… I promised…”

“You promised?…” He looked confused for a moment but seemed to quickly understand what I meant, “Oh, I see what’s happened… well… if you didn’t make that promise then… Would you go back to them?”

…

Would I even… deserve to?…

They… They wouldn’t want me back anyway…

…

But… if…

Just… if they…

…

Could I-?…

…

I nodded.

“I think… it’s time for you to get up off of the floor…” He pushed the door open, letting in the little light coming from the candles in the main room, “I don’t think we should keep them waiting much longer…”

Keep who waiting?

Beni quickly stepped out of the room, making sure to hold the door open for me as he did. I slowly lifted myself up onto my feet. My legs were a little shaky, but I managed to stay upright as I shuffled towards the open door.

I managed to make it to the door frame, where a beam of light almost immediately shone directly at me. The light had come from Celica turning my way. She started saying something, but I couldn’t hear her. My attention was instead being taken up by what I saw behind her.

Celica had her hands delicately placed on top of a large black feathered wing, a slight glow coming from them just like when she healed my leg. Following the wing back to the body, there was a girl with black hair and purple eyes who had clearly been crying just moments before. Next to her sat a tall woman with bright blue eyes and purple hair that reached down to her shoulders.

Is that?…

No… No…

It can’t be…I know it can’t be…

…

But…

I took a step forward and their eyes immediately locked on to me.

What if?…

I forced myself to take another step, the trembling in my legs only getting worse.

I know… I don’t deserve it…

I could see the light reflecting off of their tears.

But… am I allowed to have…

I tried to take another step, but my legs gave out beneath me.

Just a little hope…

I closed my eyes and braced myself for the fall.

…

…

However, there was no thud; there was no pain.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-I… It was all my fault. Please… Kierra, please don’t run away… please come back… I’m sorry.”

Is it really you?…

I… I…

…

I opened my eyes to see Ava sprawled out on the floor beneath me, her face wet with tears and eyes red as can be.

It’s not your fault… It can’t be your fault…

“I… I…” I couldn’t find the right words to say, so instead, I let myself fall against her chest and wrapped my arms around her in a hug.

It’s warm…

It’s so warm…

Both Beni and Celica rushed over to make sure neither of us was hurt, while Raynelle still stood a few steps back. However, even from that distance, I could see that her eyes were a little red, and her jaw was clenched shut. It was the first time I had ever seen her like that.

“What are you doing?!” Celica shouted, quickly sitting Ava up and putting her hands back on her wing, “What if you injure your wing again?!”

She injured her wing! How?! What happened?!

I instinctively reached out towards her wing, but Ava stopped me.

“It’s fine… I just knocked it against the door frame when I left the inn… you… you don’t need to worry about it,” Ava was unable to hold back her tears as she spoke, “Just… I’m sorry… please… please don’t leave… because of what I did… I can’t… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… If you have to blame someone-”

I tightened my hug on her to stop her from finishing what she was saying.

Don’t say that…

It’s my fault… I know it was my fault…

…

Don’t blame yourself… You didn’t do anything.

Ava immediately stopped talking and instead brought me in closer to her chest.

…

Eventually, Beni had to separate the two of us so that it was easier for Celica to check Ava’s wings and ensure they were all right.

Beni lifted me up before setting me back down on my feet; however, as soon as he did, I started to fall, completely unable to put any strength into my legs. Thankfully, he noticed quickly and caught me.

“You with the purple hair… isn’t this your job?” Beni called out while still holding me up.

Raynelle came over and picked me up, yet she didn’t say anything. She didn’t even look me in the eye.

“Do I have to guide you every step of the way?…” Beni sounded more and more annoyed as he spoke, although none of it was directed towards me, “Don’t just stand there… talk to the poor girl… How else are you expecting anything to happen?”

Raynelle looked down at me, letting me see just how desperately she was holding back her tears.

“… What… did I do wrong?…” Her voice was so quiet that I was probably the only one who could hear her.

…

…

“… Nothing…” I responded just as quietly.

She didn’t say anything.

“… I… I want… Can I-?…” I tried to speak, but the words were getting caught in my throat.

“Can you what?” She asked, her voice slowly getting both louder and more desperate, “I… I’ll do what can… just…”

Am I even allowed to ask?

…

But… I… I want to…

“… Can I… come back?”

“Yes!” The tears that Raynelle had so desperately been trying to hold back finally started to flow, “Yes!… Of course you can… You can always come back. I-I’ll… I’ll never turn you away… not today, not tomorrow, not ever… You couldn’t know how scared I was when I saw your room empty… I just-”

Why do you care so much?…

Why…

Why do you always care so much?…

I don’t understand…

…

But… I…

“Thank you… Thank you so much… I… I want to go back…” I don’t know where they came from, but I somehow managed to cry a few tears of my own in that moment, “I just want to go back…”

“Yes… Yes… As soon as Ava’s wing is healed up… let’s… go back…” Just like with Ava before, she was sobbing as she talked, “… let’s go… let’s go home… to our new home… I… I saw you already packed… isn’t that… It’s funny how these things work out sometimes,” She tried to put on a smile as she finished talking, but it was clear that she was just trying to stop herself from crying any more than she already had.

I nodded.

I didn’t care about a new home. I just didn’t want to throw this away. I didn’t want to make this mistake again.

It didn’t take much longer until Celica declared that Ava’s wing was perfectly fine.

“I guess… it’s time for us to go home…” Raynelle took Ava under her free arm.

“Just wait a second…” Beni came over to us, holding out two cloaks, one for me and one for Ava, “I think you’re forgetting something…”

“Thank you… for this… and everything else…” Raynelle responded as she took the cloaks from Beni before putting them on us, “I’m sorry for before…”

“If you’re sorry… you can make up for it by taking care of your little ones…”

“I will… Of course I will…”

With that last comment, Raynelle carried me out of the temple with Ava still held close at her side.

…

I don’t understand it… and… I know I don’t deserve it…

But… thank you… thank you for this… for everything…

…

“Thank you… for taking me back…” I mumbled as I nuzzled in towards Raynelle’s chest.