Casual Heroing

Chapter 267

Show me, Lord Juler ordered in no uncertain terms.

I look at my teacher and slowly inhale. I can feel the air going through me, whistling in my ears; Id never thought life could be so weird and miserable for someone.

Joey Luciani, Lord Juler thundered, show me what kind of problem it is.

I shrug.

Its not really something I can put into words. I just dont feel like casting Light Magic. Thats all.

Did something happen to your class?

Nah. The class is fine. Still a [Luxmancer]. Still level 33. Nothing much there.

And what seems to be the problem, then?

What is the problem, really?

I havent been practicing. Thats the problem. I havent really been studying, and so on.

Do it, then, Lord Juler frowns and moves a hand to his big beard.

Tipping my hat towards him, I laugh, Lord Juler, thats not the problem. I just... lost interest? Man, that sounds shitty. I dont know. Am I having another meltdown?

Meltdown?

Am I losing my wits? Thats the translation, roughly.

Lord Juler sighs and looks around the room in Valariths tower.

You could have learned the [Teleport] spell by now. What is happening to you? The girl in the tower is studying every hour of the day, trying to become stronger than you, Joey Luciani. And if you give up like this, she will.

Meh, Lucinda? Good for her. Shes obsessed with power, Lord Juler.

Everyone is, young Luciani.

The [Supreme Archmagus], even though he doesnt have a flesh body, sits on the chair. Certain mannerisms are hard to let go, even when you are a soul inhabiting an alchemical creation.

Do you have anything wiser you can say? I dont know. Say something super profound that makes me want to do stuff again?

Vanedenis--no. Lets not discuss my people for once. Joey Luciani, you have undergone trials...

...

So, what brings you here, Joey? Liogi, the Foxman, smiles at me with sparkly eyes.

I dont know; got some cashews?

Liogi shuffles around in his small office with his pudgy body and opens a cupboard, fishing out a big bowl full of cashews. After brining it to his desk, he smiles at me.

I got to keep them far from my desk if I dont want to get an even bigger belly, he winks at me while patting his food warehouse.

I start chewing the cashews while I look at the ceiling of the room.

Im having some trouble with magic, I tell the Foxman.

I fear that magic might not be my field of expertise, Joey, Liogi smiles apologetically. If its about research, you are better off going to Ariostuss office.

Yeah, no. Its not about research. Its more like, I havent been practicing and training properly.

When was the last time you felt like you trained properly?

Before the duels, I guess? I shrug.

The duels as in...

When shit went down in the arena behind the academy.

How do you feel about what happened during the duels?

Were you there? I ask Liogi.

Yes.

Well, thats it. A bunch of people went fucking nuts, I say while grabbing a handful of cashews, and I had to kill them.

I bite my lips and avert my gaze for a second while spelling out the word kill.

They would have probably killed you, Liogi says. Do you have an issue with killing others when they are trying to take your life?

Maybe? I dont know? Like, I know that killing is wrong, sure--but how do we differentiate between just fucking killing anyone we want and... I dont know.

Among the Vanedenis, Liogi says, its considered a great sin to spare an opponent. Second chances are not appreciated in their culture. Among Hydras, sparing an enemy brings them into your fold, making your power and influence stronger. Elves have a younger history and either went one way or the other. Most of what we feel is right or wrong comes from our culture--but I bet you know that.

I was talking to my teacher, I tell Liogi, ignoring how unsafe it is to reveal this stuff, and I got very practical advice on how to overcome my own... doubts? I dont know. The Vanedenis are screwed up in the head. Its like, yeah, sure, lets just - I dont know - mess everyone up.

Its... I make a pause, its hard. Thats what it is. I feel like I havent been training and learning because Im obsessed with a lot of weird stuff. I mean, in a way I have been practicing some spells. Like, I can cast a mean [Sleep] or [Silence]. I can even cast general wards and some Mana fields. I did some stuff, you know? But then, I dont know. I barely did any [Light]-related stuff.

Do you enjoy your field of expertise? Light Magic?

I look at Liogis dark eyes with a sad expression, and then I activate [Advanced Mana Sense]. I slowly shape a multi-colored light that behaves like a floating plasma-lamp. I chisel several smaller [Lights] out of pure Mana, in all different shades but all in an ovoidal form. I make them spin slowly, creating a chaotic choreography of beauty and elegance. As I turn off the skill, I look at the [Lights] in front of me and at Liogi.

Enjoy? I love this stuff. And I know that it could just be that using my magic to kill someone might have generated this weird block in my head. Like, maybe I associated Light Magic with killing? Or maybe Im just lazy?

Did you associate Light Magic with killing before, when you were still training?

Hell yeah, I guess. I have some pretty deadly stuff. I mean, I fried Appiuss brain in front of tens of thousands of people. Its not like I didnt know what I was doing. I accepted that last duel and--maybe it was childish? Maybe I shouldnt have? Like, once Valarith showed herself, couldnt I have fucked off? I already saw Laura cowering, unwilling to help me. Couldnt I just leave Appius alone? Did I kill that poor fucker because I had to show my dominance or something? And is that the reason Im not doing Light Magic anymore?

What was fanning the flames of your learning drive when you were still deep into it? Liogi asks with his calm and soft voice. I bet you have a [Revealing Answer].

I wanted to help Antoninuss mother get better; she was dying. I couldnt help but think of my mother.

As the words leave my mouth, I feel two warm streams go down my cheeks. I raise a hand to touch them, but Liogi has already offered me a napkin.

You can keep it, he says.

As I take it, I notice a little fox stitched on it.

Its my personal brand. I had some custom made for my clients, if they ever needed them.

Liogi, I say with a sigh. Are you trying to give me space to process what I just said?

The Foxman nods.

Yes.

Well, I say while drying my eyes, that was something.

Pretty good for the first ten minutes here. A breakthrough of great magnitude. Knowing about yourself helps in avoiding your mind meandering in dark thoughts. There might be some unprocessed trauma that you have been carrying with you for a while. The trauma might have been the reason you drove yourself to such lengths for training. And now, without the dysfunctional push, you are looking for yet another high, Liogi says in a plain tone. This is my [Lucky Guess], Joey. I can use it every three days. Its quite a powerful skill, and it rarely misses the point.

So... whats the problem here? Im not following, I say, slightly confused.

If you base the core of your work, your profession, and even your class, off something unhealthy, there cant be a cure for it. The cure is the excision of the necrotic wound. In your case, however, its slightly different. Classes are a much deeper work of the mind that most think. The cases where you get a class thats not really fit for your needs are unique. Non-existent, you could say. Classes are a great compass of who we are. Who we are becomes the class, but the class will always reflect who we are. And Im talking about the inner workings of the self, not just you doing some menial tasks.

Is that why I didnt get my [Baker] class?

Liogi sighs and starts explaining.