Born a Monster

Chapter 121: Servant of the Axe, 21 – Dinner and the Boot

Servant of the Axe

Chapter 21

Meal and the Boot

“Where are you putting all that food?” Madonna asked me.

“Oh, am I eating too much?”

“Yuu iph itng too muph.” Kismet said, around a mouthful of crab omelet.

“It’s a sign of divinity in some tribes.” Gamilla said.

.....

“Oh, well if it’s a sign of divinity, pass me a few more of those prawns.” I said.

“Here’s one I saved just for you.” Madonna said, handing me a live one.

“Most considerate.” I said, popping it into my mouth, grinding it between my back teeth a bit before swallowing.

“Ew, gross.” Kismet said.

“I... enjoy your casual disregard for life.” Madonna said.

What was she up to now? We’d tested all the prawns before; none of them were Aware.

Creepy devil wife.

“So, Gamilla, how long before you have trade agreements?”

“Not even curious about your wife’s marriage presents?”

“I’m curious about my wedding presents.” Madonna said.

“Fine, you women get together and talk presents. Gamilla, how long?”

“We can trade right now.” She said. “As soon as our first vessels arrive, they are welcome here.”

“Yes, but...” I sighed. “I want us to have constant goods to trade here.”

“Then we need to start with tools and looms and other things.” Gamilla said. “Probably as gifts to your tribe, to start with.”

“Enough yipyap. Tell me what this marriage has won me.”

So, they leaned heads close to each other to talk blankets and sandals and cookware.

“I know that look, Rhishi. You’re thinking something.”

“I’m wondering if we can loan the tools for like, one in ten or so of the things provided by that tool.”

“What? You’d tax your own people? That’s shameless. And that’s our job, anyway.”

“It seemed like an idea to me.” Narces said.

Whatever. I quashed my damaged feelings in a cup of tea and a tiny drumstick and thigh.

The sun set, and the moon rose. Eating gave way to dancing, in which my wife and I were mandatory participants. Dancing, in turn, gave way to increasingly lewd dancing, which gave way to adult activities and females taking sniffs of the fire-rock moss I’d retrieved.

[Your heroes feast is worth 3 sin points for Gluttony. After sin armor, 2 sin points have been earned. After taint divisor, 1 sin point has been awarded.]

“Come, husband. It’s time for us to retire to the guest hut.”

“Obviously.”

Don’t worry, taint divisor, I’m going to find a way to tackle you.

Kismet and the others were laying out bedrolls on the floor, leaving the hammock for us.

“So,” Madonna said, nibbling on my shoulder, “will you be accepting my advances or scorning them tonight?”

“Young woman, I am two, and you are four. Neither of us should be thinking of that right now.”

“What? Who told you that lie?”

Kismet giggled.

#

“Sabotaging minx! I’ll see you burn in the flames of Pandora for your treachery! That’s a lie, anyway. However old this body is, I am well over twenty.”

Gamilla fluffed a pillow. “So, you mean that you’re trying to cradle rob our snake-faced ambassador?”

“Huh? Isn’t twenty a bit young for an eternal demon?” asked Kismet.

“DEVIL! I am a devil, you impudent...”

“Answer the question, and get into the hammock.” I said.

She did them in reverse order. “I was spawned specifically to corrupt Cassandra the Hangwoman into the path of taint. Only if I survive that do I get other assignments.”

As I tried to get into the hammock, she swayed it, vicious smile on her face.

“I only promised not to punish you while you ...”

“When I act out AGAINST YOU, husband. A little bed play isn’t the same thing.”

What the hell did our oath let her do? Well, that wasn’t something I’d figure out. It was late, and wrestling with a hell-devil was exhausting.

Actually, how was there time in that day for everything that happened? So many days passed without that much activity.

Whatever, I just wanted to lie down and get to ...

She slipped a leg between my knees. “I’m not as inexperienced as you think.” She said. “We COULD have a pleasant time yet, tonight.”

I tried to call the Ocean to my vision, and failed.

“It doesn’t have to be that way.” She said. “Release your taint, use it! It enhances both Eldritch and Occult magics.”

“Wife, do I need to cast Slumber on you to get to sleep myself?”

“Do you have the mana, after that big show in the Dreamtime?” And then, she whispered, “People who can’t sleep together in the real world often dream about it.”

“Woman! Wait until I at least have the hormones to enjoy it.”

She squirmed. “You could develop those hormones NOW if you wanted.”

“Nope. It’s not magic, I actually need nutrients and amino acids and such. Evolutions burn more calories than I’d like to admit.”

“After that meal? How much more could you possibly need?”

“A lot of that is flagged for evolutions I’ve already started.”

“Oh? What’s more interesting than me?” She slipped her fingers into my genital pouch and wriggled them. “What the... you haven’t developed those AT ALL!”

“No, I haven’t. Like I said, I’m only two. I don’t know why that’s so hard for people to grasp.”

“Because... because it’s impossible to be as smart as you are and NOT interested in sex.”

“Rhishi.” Kismet moaned. “Sleep time, just gag her or something.”

“Please.” Narces said.

“Okay, whispers only.” I whispered to her.

“So what is wrong with you?”

“I am two. The youngest adults I’ve heard of in species with normal lifespans are twelve. I have other things to worry about, like getting my job done and staying alive to do it.”

She sniffed. “No woman likes hearing that her man is more interested in work than in her.”

“Do we need to go outside, and discuss the highlights of your life?”

“Ugh! That wasn’t what I... just go to sleep.”

I needed no further encouragement.

#

Knock, knock, knock, knock.

“Are you decent?”

I said something profound, like “Hrgsnzl?”

I was surprised that my wife was asleep in my arms. The others being asleep, less so.

Narces had woken with a hand on his axe, which he held defensively before him. Wait, wasn’t he an archer? Gamilla lay very still, but there were suddenly those parrying daggers with the over-large crosspieces in her hands.

.....

“Are you decent?” the shaman asked, inviting himself inside without waiting for an answer.

“What the...” I said.

“What is going on?” Narces asked. Light sleeper. He must have that advantage.

“Why, we’ve negotiated passage back to the invader’s port for you.” He said.

“Wha... The sun isn’t even up.” I said.

“Snrgle?” Madonna asked from within my arms.

“And yet, the tide waits for no man. Quickly, quickly, before they leave without you!”

“Narces. Stab him or something.” Kismet said.

Instead, he lay his axe, gently, across her face.

“Uwha? Cold! What the seven hells?” she batted at the axe in surprise, miraculously not cutting herself.

“Why is it time to get up?” asked Gamilla.

The shaman repeated his message.

“Snrgl?” asked Madonna.

“Yes, it seems it’s time to wake up.”

“Mmmmng...” She smacked her lips. “The sun isn’t even up! I refuse to make breakfast for you!”

“Nope.” I yawned. “It’s time for us to go.”

“Huh? Where are my wedding presents?”

“Already loaded onto the longboat that is prepared to take all of you to Vernice.” The shaman said.

“Nooooooo...” protested Kismet.

I sat up, straddling my wife’s stomach. “Wait, we’re going now?”

“As I’ve said. Yes, they are paid and already waiting.”

With a grunt, I fell to the floor.

“Graceful as always, ambassador.” Gamilla said.

“Wait, you cannot mean to just LEAVE.” Madonna said.

“Gamilla? There are no obstacles to further trade between the People and the Empire?”

“None other than the seas themselves provide.”

“Then, yes, wife. We are done here, and it is time to get on to the next part of my mission.”

“But... very well, I shall voice my concerns when we are onboard the ship.”

We gathered our things and were in the longboat before dawn arrived.

“Oh! I forgot to piss on the village before we left!” Madonna said.

“Too late for that now, pretty.” Said one of our oarsmen. “But if you want to piss over the side, you just go ahead.”

I misliked something in his tone. I blinked to clear my eyes of sleep.

All four of our oarsmen were heavy-set types, but nothing was odd with that.

There was no officer, the sneaky part of my mind told me. Nobody to negotiate for the crew.

“How was our passage negotiated?” I asked.

“Captaine got a message by albatross.” Rower three said.

Hrm. Well, maybe. I signaled Narces “possible danger” in the sign language we had worked out.

He signalled back a “no shit” sign, and asked Gamilla if she could see any shark fins.

“I can’t see anything like that.” She said.

Narces grunted, and closed his eyes, pretending to drowse.

#